CHAPTER 46

Rick knocked briefly, then pushed the door open and stepped into Aaron’s bedroom. It was his first time here.

The room was nothing like he had somehow imagined it. Spacious, bright even at night, with the warm, soft light of two small lamps on either side of the bed. Dark wood furniture, light-colored bedding, several plants by the window, photographs and paintings on the walls. Nothing unnecessary, nothing out of place. Everything was calm, neat, and surprisingly cozy.

Night lay beyond the window. A few scattered city lights showed between the curtains, while the cold moonlight mingled with the warm yellow glow of the lamps.

Rick shifted his gaze to Billy, who was sitting on the very edge of the wide bed.

His hair was still wet from the shower, his left arm in a cast. He was dressed in Aaron’s clothes.

They weren’t just too big for him. Billy was practically drowning in them. The enormous dark-gray sweatshirt reached almost to the middle of his thighs, and the sweatpants were at least twenty centimeters too long. Against the huge bed, Billy looked even smaller.

Rick understood why he hadn’t wanted to go home. He didn’t want his family to see him broken, exhausted, and completely drained.

When Aaron offered to let them stay, neither of them objected. And after everything that had happened today, Rick didn’t want to be alone either.

He carefully pulled the door almost shut behind him, leaving a thin strip of light.

The room smelled of green tea and something fresh and pine-like. It was quiet. Too quiet, even.

“How are you?” Rick asked softly.

“Fine,” Billy replied.

Rick nodded briefly and sat down beside him, but not too close, so he wouldn’t pressure him.

For a while, neither of them said anything.

Billy was still gripping his knee with his good hand. Several damp strands of hair clung to his forehead. He stared somewhere in front of him and barely moved.

“I wish I could say that too,” Rick said quietly.

He lowered his gaze to his palms. The fingers of his right hand were trembling slightly.

“I can still hear that gunshot in my head,” he admitted.

Billy flinched almost imperceptibly.

“Sorry.”

Rick turned his head toward him.

“For what?”

Billy didn’t answer right away.

“This is all because of me. I always ruin everything.”

Rick simply stared at him for a few seconds.

“Hey. Look at me.”

Billy didn’t react.

“Billy.”

Slowly, he raised his eyes.

They were dry, slightly red. There was no hysteria in them. Only disappointment and exhaustion.

For a second, Rick found it difficult to breathe.

He knew that look too well. He had often seen it in the mirror himself. On those nights when he hoped he would fall asleep and never wake up again.

A lump formed in his throat.

“Don’t blame yourself for everything…” he continued, his voice slightly hoarse.

Billy shook his head almost imperceptibly.

“But…”

“Let me finish.”

He fell silent.

“We went through hell. And all three of us survived.”

Billy lowered his gaze.

“But if it weren’t for me…”

“Billy.”

This time, there was gentle insistence in Rick’s voice.

Billy swallowed.

“I saw it,” he continued quietly. “I saw Fox slit Stanley’s throat. I saw… him die.”

Rick said nothing. He didn’t know what he could say here.

Billy lowered his gaze to his fingers.

“And then I shot him myself.”

He exhaled sharply and quickly licked his dry lips.

“I’ve never…” He stopped, closing his eyes for a second. “…never killed anyone before.”

The room fell silent again.

Rick watched him, feeling something unpleasant tighten inside his chest. He understood all too well what it meant to return to the same memory again and again, trying to find the moment when everything could have gone differently.

“You saved me,” he said quietly.

Billy looked up.

“I know.”

That short answer only made it harder for Rick. He didn’t add anything. Billy already knew.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rick asked.

Billy shook his head.

“I don’t. I’m fine.”

Rick nodded slightly.

“Okay.”

He carefully placed a hand on Billy’s shoulder.

Billy didn’t pull away, but he didn’t look at him either.

“Then can I just sit with you for a while?”

Billy was silent for a moment.

“No. Sorry, Rick. I’d rather be alone.”

Rick withdrew his hand.

The door quietly opened, and Olive ran into the room. Neither of them looked at her.

Rick wanted to say something else, but Billy’s face made it clear that he wasn’t ready to hear it right now.

So Rick simply nodded.

“Okay. I’ll go.”

He stood up from the bed and remained beside it for a few seconds.

Billy still didn’t look at him.

“But first,” Rick continued, “give me what you took from the crate back then.”

Billy froze. The fingers of his good hand stopped fidgeting with the edge of his sleeve.

“You don’t need this, Billy,” Rick said, holding out his hand. “And you shouldn’t have to deal with it alone.”

Billy said nothing. For a while, he didn’t move at all.

Finally, he pressed his lips together and reached into his pocket.

Slowly, he pulled his hand out. Several silver blister packs glinted in the light of the bedside lamps.

Billy stared at them for a moment. Then he opened his fingers and handed them to Rick.

“Get some rest.” Rick carefully placed a hand on his shoulder and gently stroked it. “They gave you strong medication at the hospital. You need to regain your strength.”

He paused in the doorway for a second, looking at Billy, then stepped out.

Billy lay down on the bed and curled into a ball. The trembling didn’t stop, but he no longer tried to hold himself together.

Olive jumped onto the bed. Curiously, she nudged her nose against the warm cast, then quietly purred and curled up beside him.

He covered his mouth with his good hand and squeezed his eyes shut.

One sob sounded in the silence, almost inaudible.

Rick leaned his back and the back of his head against the cold wood of the door and slowly exhaled, as if trying to release all the emotions and trembling he had been holding inside along with the breath.

Suddenly, footsteps sounded nearby, and he turned his head.

Aaron turned off his phone screen and slipped it into his pocket.

“How is he?” he asked.

Rick rolled up the slightly-too-long sleeves of his black sweater.

“Bad. I’m worried about him.”

He raised the blister packs and turned them over between his fingers.

“Just like we thought,” he breathed. “He really did take them.”

Aaron folded his arms across his chest and tilted his head slightly to one side. Rick felt his gaze on him.

“You were right,” Lake said with a quiet huff.

Rick raised an eyebrow as he slipped the blister packs into his pocket.

“You doubted me?”

“Never.”

Rick laughed softly, and the corners of Aaron’s lips lifted into a smile as well. He carefully stepped a little closer and looked into Rick’s eyes. Rick froze when their faces ended up very close.

“How are you?” Aaron asked, his voice quieter now.

Rick involuntarily held his breath.

“I…” he began, but the words caught in his throat.

The memory of what had happened between them at the sawmill flashed through his mind again: Aaron holding him, kissing him, looking at him after everything they had been through.

Rick swallowed and looked away first.

“I’d… I’d like to… have a drink. Want one?”

Aaron looked at him for another few seconds, then nodded.

“Come on.”

He turned and headed for the kitchen, and Rick followed.

Aaron opened the upper cabinet, took out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. Rick watched him covertly as he poured, and before he realized it, he was smiling.

The last time he had been in this apartment had been only a week ago, yet it felt as though an entire eternity had passed. So much had changed between them.

The soft sound of liquid pouring filled the kitchen. The scents of vanilla, wood, and sharp alcohol mingled in the air.

Aaron turned toward him and held out one of the glasses. Rick took it, feeling the cool glass beneath his fingertips.

They quietly clinked glasses, and the barely audible sound of glass against glass echoed through the kitchen.

Rick took a small sip. The strong alcohol immediately burned his tongue, spreading a pleasant, bitter warmth through his mouth.

He stepped back, leaned against the countertop, and looked at Aaron. His glance was brief and nervous, but this time it was open. Aaron continued to look at him silently.

His heart was pounding so hard that Rick could feel his pulse in his temples.

“What?..” Rick asked, feeling his face grow warm from the whiskey. His own voice sounded slightly hoarse.

“Nothing,” Aaron answered quietly, leaning against the countertop opposite him as well.

His fingers tightened slightly around the glass. He gently swirled the liquid clockwise, releasing the drink’s deeper, richer aroma.

His lips touched the rim of the glass, and he took a slow sip. His Adam’s apple moved gently. Rick felt as though there were suddenly less air in the kitchen.

Aaron looked at him again, waiting.

“You want to…” Rick smiled, trying to break the silence hanging between them. “Ask me something?”

“And do you want to…” Aaron raised an eyebrow slightly. “Tell me something?”

Rick chuckled softly, feeling his whole body grow warmer at the sound of Aaron’s low voice. The alcohol only intensified the sensation.

“And you… want to?”

Aaron tilted his head slightly.

“Want what?”

Rick raised the glass to his lips but didn’t drink. He only looked at him over the rim.

“You know exactly what I mean.”

Rick set the glass down on the countertop.

Aaron emptied his glass in one slow swallow without taking his eyes off Rick, then stepped toward him. He set his glass down beside Rick’s.

“I do,” he said quietly, stopping almost flush against him.

Rick drew a slightly deeper breath when Aaron carefully touched his sleeve. His fingers slid down to Rick’s wrist and gently closed around it. Aaron drew his hand toward himself, then took Rick’s other hand and placed both around his neck.

For a moment, everything inside him stopped. His head spun slightly.

“You’re impossible,” he said, but for some reason, it came out as a whisper.

“I know,” Aaron whispered back.

For several seconds, they simply looked at each other.

Rick let his gaze travel over Aaron’s face, lingering on the scrape along his cheekbone before meeting his gray-blue eyes again.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Better now.”

Rick smiled.

“You’re lying.”

“A little.”

Aaron’s hands settled on his waist. He moved a little closer, leaving almost no distance between them. His warm breath brushed Rick’s face, and goosebumps ran down his neck and along his spine.

“You’re not hurt?” Aaron asked quietly.

“No…” Rick breathed, then, without knowing why, added even more quietly, “Except a little.”

Aaron looked at him carefully.

“Where does it hurt?”

Rick froze. Then he slowly touched his lips with his index finger.

“Here…” he breathed, almost soundlessly.

Aaron slowly raised his hand and touched Rick’s chin, careful, almost weightless. He turned Rick’s face slightly toward the light and held his gaze.

“And what are we supposed to do about that?..” he whispered.

His thumb gently brushed over the small mole above Rick’s upper lip.
At that simple touch, Rick shivered almost imperceptibly and leaned toward him on his own.

Rick looked at his parted lips, then back into his eyes. His pupils widened, his gaze darkened, and for a moment the closeness made it difficult to concentrate. He could smell whiskey, green tea, and the familiar warmth of Aaron’s skin.

“What we want…” he answered so quietly that the words nearly dissolved between them.

Aaron gently tightened his hold around Rick’s waist and pulled him a little closer.

Rick’s fingers found the soft black hair at the nape of Aaron’s neck on their own. He ran them over his skin, paused at the base of his neck, and gently stroked him.

Aaron drew in a barely noticeable breath. Rick felt goosebumps rise across his skin.

And for some reason, that tiny reaction gave him courage.

“Kiss me…” he whispered.

Aaron leaned in. Not immediately toward his lips. He stopped very close, their noses brushing. Rick closed his eyes before he felt Aaron’s lips, and that brief anticipation made everything inside him tremble softly.

The first kiss was gentle.

The tart taste of whiskey remained on his lips, along with a barely perceptible sweetness, completely unlike alcohol. Warm lips touched his again, and Rick instinctively leaned toward him, pulling Aaron closer by the neck.

A black strand of hair fell between their faces and tickled his cheek.

Aaron pulled away for a second, then kissed him again. This time deeper and more urgently. His tongue touched Rick’s for an instant before retreating. The broad palm against his lower back trembled almost imperceptibly.

Rick exhaled involuntarily, a little louder than he had intended, and buried his fingers in Aaron’s hair.

“We probably…” Aaron breathed unevenly. “Should stop…”

“You’re right…” Rick agreed. “We should…”

He didn’t even think about pulling away. Rick tightened his arms around Aaron’s neck and deepened
the kiss himself.

Aaron didn’t stop him. His hand simply moved to Rick’s jaw. His thumb gently traced his cheekbone, right beside the scrape, and lingered there.

That simple gesture of care made Rick’s heart clench harder than the kiss itself.

Their tongues touched softly, but there was none of the earlier urgency in the kiss now. Rick felt the tension gradually leave his body, replaced by a warm, almost weightless pleasure.

Something seemed to flutter in his stomach. He smiled into the kiss.

He wanted more.

Not because it wasn’t enough.

He simply liked kissing him. He liked feeling Aaron’s hair beneath his fingers, feeling his breath against his face. He liked this simple, almost impossible feeling: they were together now.

“That suits you…” Aaron suddenly breathed without breaking the kiss.

“What exactly?..” Rick asked, catching his lips with his own.

Aaron smiled into the kiss and added more quietly:

“My sweater…”

Rick froze. He felt his cheeks grow warm and his ears burn. This time, it wasn’t the alcohol.

“Oh, shut up…” he muttered, shyly hiding his eyes behind his bangs.

Aaron lifted his face by the chin again and gently covered his slightly swollen lips with his own. It was more of a quick peck than another kiss like the one before.

“Seriously.” Another light kiss. “It suits you better than it suits me.”

And another.

Aaron didn’t pull away immediately. He rested his forehead against Rick’s, then wrapped both arms around him and gently held him close.

And again, such a simple movement, yet it felt as though there were suddenly less air. Rick was still holding him around the neck, feeling his breath right by his ear. He really didn’t want this closeness to end.

Aaron’s palm slowly moved along his back. Rick could feel the warmth of his body through the thin sweater. After everything that had happened today, it felt almost unreal.

Finally, Aaron pulled back slightly. His hands remained on Rick’s forearms for a while, then slid down to his wrists. Their fingers intertwined, and only then did he let him go.

Rick smiled, not knowing what to say.

He didn’t want to talk at all, really. It felt good simply to be quiet with him.

He picked up his glass from the countertop and took a small sip. The whiskey didn’t burn nearly as much as it had the first time. There was only a pleasant warmth spreading down his throat.

Rick set the glass back down and cleared his throat slightly.

“Okay,” his voice sounded a little hoarse. “We really do need to figure out what Billy took.”

Aaron nodded.

“And the rest of the evidence.”

Rick walked to the table first and took the blister packs from his pocket.

He laid them beside the evidence bags already sitting there, then picked one up and carefully examined the silver packaging.

“Hmm, this is the same stuff I took from the crate…” he muttered. “I’d be more certain if the markings weren’t scratched off both here and there.”

He put the first blister pack down and reached for the ziplock bag. There was another one inside.

“Although, first we need to figure out what I managed to take.”

Rick fell silent and frowned.

“Oxycodone…” He turned it between his fingers. “Eighty milligrams. Hmm. I’m no pharmacist, obviously, but that’s a horse dose.”

Aaron thought for a moment.

“It’s a powerful opioid. You can’t just buy something like that at a pharmacy.” He walked over to the cabinet and opened the upper drawer again. “Want me to pour you another?”

Rick looked at his glass and held it out to Aaron. Aaron silently took it.

The quiet sound of liquid pouring broke the silence of the kitchen.

Rick ruffled his barely damp hair. He picked up a marker and labeled one of the bags.

“We still need to…”

He fell silent, not managing to finish the thought.

Aaron stepped closer and set the glass down beside the evidence.

Everything.

The thoughts disappeared.

Warm hands settled over his stomach, Aaron’s broad chest touching his back. Rick felt him lightly rest his chin on his shoulder.

He closed his eyes and exhaled loudly.

“Aaron…”

“Mmm?”

His voice came from right beside Rick’s ear, sending goosebumps across his skin.

“Can you not do that?”

“Do what?”

“Come up behind me like that.”

Aaron smiled slightly against his neck.

“You don’t like it?”

Rick discreetly licked his dry lips.

“I do.”

“Then why?”

“Because I’m trying to work.”

“I see.”

Rick opened his eyes and looked at the blister packs lying in front of him.

“When you’re this close… my brain stops working.”

“It’s the alcohol,” Aaron whispered, holding him a little tighter.

The tip of his nose lightly traced Rick’s neck.

Rick felt his legs begin to give way.

“No, it’s you…” He hesitated. “Well… maybe a little alcohol too.”

Aaron laughed softly.

Rick smiled, but immediately looked back at the table.

“Let me go.”

Aaron didn’t move.

“Why?”

“Because we need to work right now.”

“You just said you can’t.”

“Aaron…”

“Yes, Rick?”

Rick was silent for a second, then finally turned his head toward him.

And got lost.

His face was very close, and Rick once again caught himself looking at his lips.

He swallowed. His hand reached for Aaron’s arm around him on its own and settled over it. His thumb gently brushed across the warm knuckles.

Rick leaned slightly toward him and briefly touched his lips to Aaron’s.

“Rick…” Aaron called, a little more quietly.

“What?..” he asked just as softly.

“I love you.”

Rick froze.

For several seconds, he had no idea what was happening at all.

The words seemed to reach him only after a moment. They simply remained somewhere between them, hanging in the silence of the kitchen. He continued to hold Aaron’s hand, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath his fingers and the barely perceptible movement of his muscles, but it was as if he had stopped feeling his own body.

I love you.

Something inside him clenched painfully. As if his heart had suddenly become too big and there was no longer enough room for it inside him.

He slowly drew in a breath, but it came out ragged. A lump rose in his throat.

Aaron was still looking at him. So close. Calmly, without a trace of doubt, as though he had just said
something completely obvious.

“I…”

Rick wanted to answer immediately.

Just two words.

Me too.

But his throat seemed to close from the inside, and the words never made it past his lips.

He swallowed, feeling his eyes sting traitorously, and abruptly lowered his gaze. The marker on the table, the open evidence bag, the half-finished glass of whiskey blurred before his eyes.

Everything was in its place.

Except him.

“Hey…” Aaron called softly.

Rick blinked quickly and stared at the blister pack in his hand, pretending to examine it.

Only his fingers were trembling.

He squeezed the package harder than necessary, and the silver plastic gave a quiet crunch.

“Rick?”

Rick quickly wiped a hand across his face, brushing away the moisture before Aaron could notice.

But Aaron noticed everything.

Suddenly, Rick felt almost physically embarrassed by his own reaction, even though only a minute ago he had been kissing Aaron and calmly accepting his embrace.

But this was different.

Aaron held him a little tighter.

That simple movement made something clench in his chest again.

“You don’t have to answer me,” he said quietly. “I just wanted you to know.”

“I’m sorry…” Rick finally whispered.

He quickly wiped his other cheek with the back of his hand.

Aaron frowned.

“For what?”

Rick shook his head.

“I just… just… spent my whole life thinking that things like this weren’t for me at all.”

“What things?”

He tried to smile, but it came out crooked.

“When someone loves you just because… you’re you.”

“Rick.”

Aaron tried to look him in the face, but Rick only turned away.

“I really want to answer you, but…” His voice broke, and he struggled to continue. “But I can’t…”

“You don’t have to…”

“No, you don’t understand!” Rick interrupted him.

He turned sharply toward him and immediately regretted it.

Aaron didn’t look confused or frightened. He simply watched him calmly, still standing so close that something inside Rick clenched painfully again.

“I really want to…” Rick whispered in a trembling voice, turning his whole body toward Aaron.

Aaron didn’t loosen his embrace.

“You don’t have to…”

“I do!” Rick interrupted him again. “Because you need to know this!”

Rick placed both hands on Aaron’s face.

“I want to, damn it!” he blurted. “I want to tell you this!”

He gently tucked the loose black strands of hair behind Aaron’s ears.

“Every time you look at me like that, I want to say it. When you hug me, when we’re simply together, when I think about you. When…”

He faltered.

“I know how I feel about you, and I’ve known for a long time! But for some reason, when all I have to do is say those three words… I just…”

“Then not now.”

“But I want to now!”

Aaron raised his hand and gently wiped the moisture from Rick’s cheek with his thumb. He did it again, lingering at the corner of his eye.

“I know.”

He pulled Rick against his chest, and Rick heard how fast his heart was beating. One hand settled between his shoulder blades, the other slid higher, to the back of his head.

Rick squeezed his eyes shut.

“No one has ever said that to me,” he admitted almost in a whisper.

He felt Aaron’s lips barely brush his hair.

“I love you,” Aaron whispered again.

Something fluttered in Rick’s chest. He drew in a shaky breath and buried his face against Aaron’s collarbones.

“Aaron!”

Aaron couldn’t suppress a small smile and gently ran a hand down his back.
“I love you, Rick.”

Rick lifted his head and, rising onto his toes, reached for him himself.

His lips touched Aaron’s, and Aaron immediately returned the kiss.